Wholesome

by Allison Sciulla

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about

Comedian Allison Sciulla has been performing her hilarious comedy songs for audiences as part of her live comedy show for years. This album is a collection of her funniest and most outrageous tunes.

"Wholesome" was digitally recorded and features some of Los Angeles' top musicians. Unlike other comedy music albums, the songs on "Wholesome" are genuinely musical. In fact, if you didn't pay attention to the lyrics, you wouldn't even know these were comedy songs. They're catchy, fun and delightfully naughty.

You'll laugh when you know you shouldn't and hum them to yourself at the most inappropriate times. This is one of those albums you can't wait to play for your friends.

Fans of Allison Sciulla's books will LOVE this album because it captures the raw and uncensored honesty that makes her so unique.

credits

released April 1, 2014

Produced by Vinnie Corbo
Published by Volossal Publishing

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all rights reserved

about

Allison Sciulla Los Angeles, California

Allison Sciulla is an author, comic, musician and multimedia artist based out of Los Angeles, California.

Raised in an Italian household, Allison was brought up to be very verbally and physically expressive; tools that prove to be invaluable in her quest to be the loudest, most obnoxious person in any given room.
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Track Name: Wine People
Wine people - they think that there so classy
Wine people - they think that they're so fancy
Wine people - they drink that shit like they have etiquette
Put your pinky's up

There always like,
What type of wine goes best with this dish?
What type of wine goes best with this fish?

So I'm like,
What kind of wine can I give you
so you can shut the fuck up

How about a nice tall glass of clorox bleach
with cyanide and a hint of me pee

Or help yourself to the blood of jesus christ
which we all know the priest use to get with little boys

Wine people - I wish they'd go die
Getting dragged behind our cars wrapped in grape vines
Let's lock them all in wine barrels
And pray that when they die they burn in hell

Wine people - they act like they got money
Wine people - laugh at shit that isn't funny
Wine people - they may be getting antioxidants
But your all still douche bags

There always like,
"This wine is fruity and taste like apple."
Well try this one its earthy and tastes like my asshole

"This wine reminds me of my grandmas butterscotch."
Well this ones salty like balls and crotch

"This wines fresh and the aromas are blunt."
Well this ones dry just like your gaping cunt

Wine people - I wish they'd go die
Getting dragged behind our cars wrapped in grape vines
Let's lock them all in wine barrels
And pray that when they die they burn in hell
Track Name: I Shit My Pants
I was walking along, humming a song
And then I shit my pants
It wasn't a fart, not even a shart
But a really shitty circumstance

I Shit My Pants

It's gonna be a long, long walk home
To change my shitty pants
I can't ride a bike, no point to hitch-hike
It's running from my brown eye down my thigh

I Shit My Pants
Track Name: Put It In My Butt
I know you wanna put it in my butt
If we get married I might give it up
You know that's my secret special spot
And I know that you're never, ever gonna stop asking for it

No you can not put it in my butt...HOLE!
My butthole!
Why can't you take my answer?
The answer is NO!
You can't put it in my butt

When we first met I know you wanted it
By the way you never stared at my tits
Keep dreaming, it's never, ever gonna fit
That hole's for taking shits and not meant for taking dicks

No you can not put it in my butt...HOLE!
My butthole!
Why can't you take my answer?
The answer is NO!
You can't put it in my butt

Okay, it's your birthday, I'll let you slip it in
No, not all the way, just the tip
Oh, we're out of lube, let's just use spit
On the count of three, slip it on in...
One... Two... Three... Ahhh!!!

No you can not put it in my butt...HOLE!
My butthole!
Why can't you take my answer?
The answer is NO!
You can't put it in my butt

And no, I'm not sucking it afterwards
Track Name: Having A Good Time
I found a hobo asleep in a rolled up rug
He looked pretty sad so I gave him a hug
And then he raped me
But we're having a good time

I wanted to rescue some dogs, so I went to the pound
I adopted them all before they got put down
Now I have rabies
But we're having a good time

I went down to the pool, I saw this kid passed out
He was turning blue, I gave him mouth to mouth
Now I have herpies
But we're having a good time

Everyone is so happy
We should love everyone
Everyone is so happy
Let's shine brighter than the sun

They were selling drugs on my street one day
I called the police, they came right away
And then they tazzed me
But we're having a good time

I became a vegan and joined PETA
So I grew a garden and it attracted a cheetah
He ate my face off
But we're having a good time

Everyone is so happy
We should love everyone
Everyone is so happy
Let's shine brighter than the sun

My friend's a law school grad, I helped him for it all
He hung my Christmas lights, slipped and had a fall
And then he sued me
But we're having a good time

My boyfriend told me that I had his heart
No matter what I did, so I let out a fart
And then he dumped me
But we're having a good time

Everyone is so happy
We should love everyone
Everyone is so happy
Let's shine brighter than the...

Ya know what, I can't do this anymore
Every time I do something nice, I get totally screwed

Everyone is an asshole
That's it, I fuckin' quit
Everyone is a dickhead
And they can eat my shit

Everyone is so happy
Everyone except me
Cause I've been ripped off, pissed off, cut off, blown off
So back off, jack off and don't fuck with me
Track Name: Bill Works For Dad
Button up your shirt, pull your tie up tight
Where's your briefcase Billy-boy?
Gonna go work in your father's biz
Where's your briefcase Billy-boy?

Workin' for dad, Oh what fun
Gosh, were just so proud of our son

Bill works for dad

Park your silver Lexus in your private space
It's time for a power lunch
Use your corporate card to chop a few lines
It's time for a power lunch

Get out your pointer, Get out your chart
Make your presentation and try not to fart

Bill works for dad

Pencil in appointments that you'll never keep
Put 'em on speaker phone
Place a long distance call to your shrink
Put 'em on speaker phone

Spin in your chair, pretend you're slammed
Post a "Selfie" on Instagram

Bill works for dad

Harass the secretaries who think you're a dork
Chicks dig guys who wink
Make the network crash while you download some porn
Chicks dig guys who wink

Dad's getting' old, So stay on the ball
'Cause one day you'll inherit it all

Bill works for dad
Track Name: Yell If Your Italian
My family is full of Italian folk
They act like they have money but they're really broke
I'd like to help them out, but I don't have the cash
'Cause I spent it all to wax my mustache

Our house is really big and there's marble everywhere
There's plastic on the sofa and doilies on the chairs
Mama shouts, "Dinner's ready, but first, let's say a prayer."
So we pray, then we fight, grab our food and go upstairs

YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
If not the case, stay in place
And shut up a-you face

Pop's a contractor and he works really hard
He even put a fountain in our back yard
He put it on top of where the garden used to grow
And ever since then, we haven't seen our Uncle Joe

We yell when we talk and we fight every night
My pop will kill my boyfriend when he finds out he's not white
His blood pressure's high and I'm waiting for the day
That he has a stroke when he finds out my brothers gay

YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
If not the case, stay in place
And shut up a you face

Every Christmas Mama never likes what Papa buys
She'll pretend to love it for a second but then cries
This happens every year, so it's never a surprise
Poppa should stop buying purses from Chinese guys

Poppa grows grapes 'cause mama likes wine
He gives her plenty of it 'cause she's cranky all the time
They crush the grapes together, and we think it's really sweet
But I'm never gonna try it 'cause it tastes like their feet

YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
YELL, If you're Italian
If not the case, stay in place
And shut up a you face